Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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