so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
