I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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