All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
