Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
