I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
