God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
