My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
