Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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