It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
