I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
