He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
