we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
