I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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