Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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