My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
