Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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