I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Randomize
