sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
