i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
