I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
