Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
