she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
