so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
