i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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