so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
