Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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