that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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