My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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