I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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