Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
