To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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