3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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