I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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