Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
love makes seman taste better
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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