My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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