I was born with a shot glass in my hand
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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