Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
