mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
