we're chasing vodka with high fives
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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