porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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