He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
