I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
