I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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