I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
