you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
