Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
