I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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