Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
