You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
